The Legend of Ron Burgundy: Trouble in Tokyo
by DorisMae
Summary: During a trip to Japan, the Channel 4 News Team is obstructed with a giant earthquake. To boot, Ron is nowhere to be found. What will the remaining three encounter during their quest for Ron? Read to find out! Rated T for mild language.
1. The Trouble Begins

Excuse me for Champ's, ahem, prejudice. I'm just copying his character.

* * *

"So, have any of you guys seen any good anime lately? I hear _Tekkaman: The Space Knight_ is getting pretty popular," field reporter of the Channel 4 News Team, Brian Fantana, asked his colleagues as he flipped through a pamphlet.

"What's an 'annie-may'?" asked Champion "Champ" Kind, the sportscaster of the team.

"Why, Champ," Ron Burgundy, the star anchorman of Channel 4 and celebrity in San Diego, said soothingly as he placed a caring hand on Champ's shoulder. "The word _anime_ is simply a shortened form of the world _animation_. An example of an animated show would be something like _The Flintstones_. Animations were created in 1643 by a Norwegian knight who stumbled upon—"

"No, no," Brian exclaimed as he nudged Ron with his shoulder to get him to stop talking. "I meant anime as in a cartoon from Japan. Never mind. You guys obviously have never dabbled in such foreign arts."

"I once saw a giant lizard attacking Japan." Brick Tamland, inept weatherman for the news team, smiled as he spoke. He chuckled a bit, and the skin around his eyes creased as he did so.

Ron suspiciously glanced at Brick through the corners of his eyes. "But of course, Brick."

Champ shook his head. "Well, I don't know what in the hell an 'ana-mye' is, but I just know I don't support those Chinese commie shows.

"Japanese," Brian corrected. He left it at that, though, as he knew it was pointless to argue with Champ.

The four friends and coworkers were currently on a trip to Japan. Ed Harken, chief executive for the Channel 4 news, assured them that Veronica Corningstone, Ron's feisty love interest, could batten down the hatches in San Diego while they were away. While Veronica was busy reporting from San Diego, the four men were sent to do an exclusive interview with the creator of the first film which showed Godzilla: Ishirō Honda.

The interview wasn't due until Saturday, however. It was only Wednesday, and they wanted to spend some time checking out Japan and what it had to offer. They walked aimlessly around Tokyo in hopes of finding some yummy food that Ron approved of.

"Damn, Ron!" Brian said as he clutched his stomach in hunger. "Can't you just pick somewhere and be done with it?"

"Leave Ron alone," Champ warned with a fierce glint in his eye.

Ron waved both of them off with a flick of his hand. "Now, boys, be patient. My superior sense of smell will let us know when we pass by the perfect restaurant. I only eat the best, and…" Ron trailed off as the ground began to shake. "What in Jodie Foster's sweet name is going on!?" Ron yelled as he tried to balance himself.

"Earthquake!" Brick screamed and waved his hands in the air, running around in circles.

"I'll save ya, Ron!" Champ attempted to ensnare Ron in a big, protective bear hug, but Ron took off running. Champ was blocked by crowds of people stampeding by him. Although he saw Brian get knocked to the ground and trampled, Champ's first priority was Ron. "Ron!" Champ whined, but it was of no use. Ron was nowhere to be found. The last thing Champ remembered was fleeting into a blind rage before bumping into something and blacking out.

* * *

...what have I done


	2. Ron - Help me out, please

When the remaining team members awoke, the building next to them was in shambles. They remembered that it already looked unkept, but now the roof was caved in. It was an apparently abandoned gray building with a rectangular shape, a few square windows, and some scraggly hedges on the front lawn.

Champ sprung to his feet and looked around. A few strangers were also lying on the sidewalk, but Ron was not there. It was beginning to get dark, and Champ was worried. Aside from a slightly crumpled hat, Champ was in tiptop shape.

Brian was woozily attempting to get back on his feet. He had a bruised thigh, tattered clothing, and a few cuts and scrapes on his body. Brian wiped some sweat and dirt off of his brows. He looked up and saw Champ. "Champ!" Brian scrambled over to him and panted lightly.

Not caring for Brian's safety, Champ asked him, "Where did Ron go?"

"I dunno." Brian rubbed his face with his hands. "Hey, do you think the ladies will mind if I have a slice on my cheek. I can feel the scab, and it feels pretty gnarly. If it looks bad, I'm going to have to amp my Sex Panther usage to counteract my nasty scar. That shit cost me a ton."

After thoroughly inspecting himself, Brian suddenly realized where they were. He remembered the earthquake (not that he didn't remember before, he just didn't think about it), he remembered Ron and Brick running around like untrained hooligans, and he remembered that it was only him and Champ there.

"Uh," Brian muttered as he was still gathering his surroundings, "Where are Ron and Brick?"

"I'm Ron Burgundy," Brick, as if appearing out of thin air, whispered into Brian's ear.

Brian turned around to meet Brick standing behind him. Brick was happily munching what appeared to be a Turkish shish kebab. He had no scuffs or scratches on him whatsoever.

"Brick, don't scare me like that." Brian frowned. "And where did you get that? It smells good."

Brick just shrugged his shoulders and turned to go into the dilapidated building with the unruly bushes.

Brian, deciding it was useless just standing around, and useless to ask Brick where he was going, followed Brick into the building. Before he entered, he turned to call to Champ. Champ was still avidly scanning the streets to no avail. Brian could tell Champ was going to break down any moment. "Champ!" Brian cupped his hands around his mouth to be heard better. "Ron might be in here!"

Champ slowly turned and then sprinted into the door, knocking Brian out of the way in the process.

Brick led them through winding hallways, over rubble, and into small caves and crevices in the old building. They saw mice, roaches, and even a snake hiding in the darkness. Finally, Brick led them to a room that was lighted by the glow of a TV monitor. On the screen was a pale, petite girl with short black hair and a long black dress. She also donned black high heels.

"H-hello?" Brian hesitantly spoke to the monitor. He figured he might as well see if she could hear him.

She turned around with a start and looked into a camera that must have been on the ceiling. Brick smiled contently to Brian's left, and Champ was seemingly unaware of the situation at hand and was still frenetic about Ron.

"_Tasukete kudasai_ [help me]!" the girl pleaded into the camera. Her eyes were as dark as her hair, but she was strikingly beautiful in a weird way.

Although Brian knew a bit of Japanese from his anime watching habits, he was at a loss here. "Uhh…I speak English." Was all he could lamely conjure up. She sounded so panicked, and he wanted to know what was wrong.

"Please help me!" She yelled again, this time in a heavily accented voice. "I am being held for ransom, and my kidnapper is in the room with me!"

Brian had to replay what she said in his head a few times since he could barely understand her. "Wait you're—okay. I will help you get out. Brian Fantana never leaves a lady in danger." Brian couldn't help running a hand through his disheveled hair. "Where is your kidnapper?"

"He's here under the camera. Debris fell on him during the earthquake and knocked him unconscious. Something is blocking the door, and it won't budge!" The frail girl stared right into Brian's eyes as she begged again, "Please help me! If the kidnapper awakens, he will probably torture me, if not worse!"

Brian tugged at his collar. Champ was curled into a ball while bawling his eyes out while occasionally saying Ron's name. Brick still stood next to Brian with a large smile. "I guess it's up to me," Brian said to himself.

"Okay." Brian took a deep breath. "What is your name?"

"Ellie…Ellie Foster." The girl bit her lip and glanced to the floor with a hopeless frown.

"Ellie," Brian cooed with a seductive undertone. "I mean, let's do this."

"Thank you, thank you!" The girl smiled brightly into the camera.

Brian surveyed the area. Next to the TV monitor, there was a button he could press to switch camera angles. There must have been two cameras at the top of the room. One camera displayed most of the left side of the room, and the other displayed the right. Dirty, nasty tiles were laid throughout the room. On the camera that showed the left side of the room to Brian's view, there was a disfigured red door, a desk, a strange poster, a broken mirror, a vice, a power outlet, and a purple duffel bag. On the right there was a strange red tile that looked like a hatch, a toilet with a pull string instead of a handle, a rusty clock, a sickening bed with red paint above it, a strange star marked on one of the floor tiles, and some shackles. Brian noticed a piece of paper behind the girl.

"Hey, could you pick that paper up?" Brian asked.

Ellie smiled to herself and said, "It's my organizer. The only things written here are things like, 'Practice today. Bring gym clothes and a hair dryer.'"

"Okay…" Something shimmery caught Brian's eye. "Is that a coin on the ground?"

"A coin! I can put it into the vice and give it a nice, flattened edge!" Ellie picked up the coin and put it in the vice. Brian, who was getting used to her broken English, grimaced a little bit as she defaced a perfectly fine coin. "Maybe the coin is thin enough now…" Ellie said to herself as took the coin out of the vice and unscrewed the mirror from the wall. As if remembering her helper, she turned to the camera and smiled with her eyes shutting. "You never know when you'll need a mirror!" Ellie propped the mirror up next to the wall.

"Oh, trust me, we know," Brian responded with a wink. "Is there something carved onto the desk over there?"

Ellie peered over the desk. "Yes, it says 'Interrogation list. Oliver Raskin; Patrick Anvil, died; Edward Watson, died; Nick Embrey; David Redmond, died.'" Tears began to fall from Ellie's eyes. "Please, please…I can't die. This could be an abandoned military factory with the names of soldiers who died, but I don't think so. Please…. Help me!"

"It's okay, Ellie. I leave no lady in danger. Can you open those drawers behind you?"

Ellie fiddled with the drawers as they made odd clicking noises. Eventually, the doors popped open.

"They opened!" Ellie shouted as she peered inside. She pulled out a garden trowel. "Inside the drawer it says 'There is MonStar."

"I am a monster." said Brick in a very frank voice. "I am a mushroom monster."

Ellie looked into the camera at Brick then panned her focus back to Brian. Then, a light bulb turned on in Ellie's head.

"Mushroom!" she repeated. She then turned to the floor. She took the trowel and stuck it in between two floor tiles. "There are mushrooms growing out if the tiles here," she said with a giggle. She gagged when she removed the tile. "It smells really bad." Then, she dug around in the dirt. She suddenly screamed and jumped backwards.

"Ellie, what's wrong?" Brian cried.

"I dug up an arm...a human arm with mushrooms growing out of it!"

Something shiny was on the arm's finger, and it caught Brian's eye. "Don't worry...I'll save you, but what is that on its hand?"

Ellie plucked a ring off of the hand. "It's a ring with the initials K.I. engraved on it."

"Hmm, what was in your gym bag again?" Brian asked.

"My hairdryer and gym clothes."

"A hairdryer? You always need one of those! Could you get it out, please?"

"Oh." Ellie looked to the ground. "It has a combination lock, and I recently reset the combination. I can't remember it right now because I am so panicked. I am really sorry!"

"246." Brick suddenly yelled.

"What?" Brian jumped back a little.

"246!" Brick kept screaming as he turned to Brian

Ellie, while the boys were preoccupied, set the lock to 246. "It opened! How did you know the combination?"

Brick was silent and didn't answer, but his content smile returned.

"Well, at least now you can plug in your hairdryer to the outlet over there."

Ellie nodded and plugged it in.

"Hey, so you sleep on that bed?"

"I have not yet," Ellie said as she plopped on the bed, disturbing the pillow. "Oh! There are a few letters written here." Ellie pointed to where the pillow once was. "I bet it was written in disappearing ink. I'll need some heat..." she trailed off as she picked up the hairdryer and turned it on, heating up the bed.

"What's it say?"

"'I, Katie Ingel, will be murdered. That person is a deceiver, luring people down here to torture and kill. She is the devil disguised as a girl.'"

"Mm, feisty, just how I like—wait. I thought you said you were kidnapped by a man?"

"Did I say that?" Ellie quickly whipped her face to the camera.

"Yes, I would have remembered if you said the kidnapper was a girl. You referred to your kidnapper as 'him.'"

"I meant that there were a lot of people involved in my kidnapping. One was a girl, and some were guys..."

Brian nodded.

"Listen here, li'l girl!" Champ said as he picked himself up off the ground. "Because you are lying and confusing us, you need to be punished."

"But, I didn't lie—"

"Can it, sister." Champ fixed his cowboy hat. "You're distracting us from finding my best friend Ron. Now put your gym clothes in the toilet."

"Why would I put my gym clothes in the toilet? How would that help?"

"Just do it!" Champ roared.

Ellie nodded slowly and put her clothes in the toilet.

"Champ, calm down, please." Brian tried.

"Now flush." Champ's mouth slowly turned to a smirk.

Brian gasped. "But, Champ!"

Champ got Brian in a headlock. "You better do it, hunny. Or else I won't let Bri-man here help you anymore."

Ellie quickly pulled the rope on the toilet. The water started to overflow. "Now it's just wet..." Ellie sighed.

Champ released Brian and said, "Good. I hope you learned your lesson." Champ stood menacingly next to Brian on the side opposite of Brick.

Brian decided against arguing with Champ (he scared Brian). "Sorry about that, Ellie..."

"It is alright..." Ellie responded. "What should I do now?

"M on star." Brick said solemnly.

"What?" Brian demanded.

"Mirror." was all that Brick said.

"Mirror... M..." Ellie recounted to herself. "I will put the mirror on the star! Maybe it will help you find my way out."

Ellie put the mirror on the tile with the star on it. A strange light reflected off the mirror onto the wall in a circular shape. However, something caught Brian's eye. There, reflected off the water and into the mirror, was Ron! Although he had handcuffs on and was kneeling, his huge, signature smirk filled the entire mirror, mustache and all.

"RON!" Champ yelled at the monitor. "Can ya hear me, Ron?"

"How did he get there?" Brian questioned.

Ellie began to chuckle and dropped the mirror. "I guess you found out my little secret." Her English seemed to suddenly get better, and there was barely a hint of an accent. "Why don't you join us over here, Mr. Burgundy?" Ellie giggled to herself as she disappeared from the cameras' view and dragged Ron out to the middle of the room in front of the vice.

"What are you doing?" cried Champ.

Ellie pointed to Ron. "I suppose you all know this man as Ron. However, I would like to introduce him as My Next Victim."

"Hi, My Next Victim," said Brick with a wave. "It's me! Your son!"

"How did this happen, Ron?" Brian asked as calmly as he could, choosing to completely disregard Brick.

"Well, you see, fellows," Ron began in his usual pretentious tone, "as I was running away from the earthquake, a hot girl bumped into me. She told me she had a place nearby and asked me if I wanted to go with her. Even in the midst of an earthquake, you know I never shy away from a chance at interracial sex. Next thing I knew, we were in this room and she started tying me up. At first I thought it was very kinky and actually enjoyed it, but then the earthquake started displacing everything. She said we were trapped, pinned me against the wall under the cameras, and didn't even offer me so much as a peck on the lips! She said if I didn't talk and kept myself hidden, she would give me a treat. I mostly kept my end of the bargain, but seeing as she is a psycho freak—and I've been with entirely too many of them—I would think it to be best if my news team could get me out of here."

"Shut up, imbecile!" Ellie said as she kicked Ron in the stomach.

Ron whined and hunched over a little bit, but his hands were still handcuffed.

"NOBODY TOUCHES RON EXCEPT ME!" Champ began to go in to berserk mode.

"If you don't get me out of here quickly, I will crush Ron's beautiful head in this vice." Ellie said with her eyes wide open and her smile just as wide.

"Champ, we gotta get her out... For Ron's safety," Brian ensured.

Champ, Brick, and Brian shared a look, nodded, and turned back to Ron.

"Go back to that wall where the mirror reflected the light," Brian said with a steady voice.

Ellie walked over to the wall and felt it. "The wall feels weak." She took the trowel and gouged it into the wall. The hole she dug was above the red hatch. "It is a panel with six numbers. Hurry up and figure out the combination! Ron is counting on you!" She laughed and winked to the camera.

"Um..." Brian awkwardly tugged at his shirt collar. It was Brick who kept knowing the combinations. Brian was waiting for him to say something, anything.

Champ glared at Brian. "Why ain't ya doing nothing!?"

"Why aren't you?" Brian rebutted with a shout.

"Quit fighting and get me out of here!" Ellie screeched.

"Okay, Ellie, if that's your real name!" Brian yelled back.

"Ellie Foster was a girl I...had fun with from England." Ellie giggled to herself. "I liked her name, so now it's mine."

"You may take my soul, but you may never don my name!" Ron spat. One look from Ellie, and he was silenced.

"The wall," Brick said at last.

Ellie turned to the wall with the red paint above the bed. "Ah, the wall does have roman numerals on it."

"Shit, we don't speak Roman!" Champ started to sob again.

"I know how to read them, you idiots." Ellie read the numbers. "III I, II I I, VII..." Ellie went back to the panel and started entering the code. "3, 1, 2, 1, 1, 7," She said to herself.

The hatch flung open as soon as she was done. She smiled with wide eyes and her teeth baring into the camera. "Oh! The exit opened. Hee hee, thank you. I'll be heading your way to thank you properly. You just wait right there..." Ellie turned to climb down the hatch.

"Brian, do something!" Champ grabbed Brian and started shaking him through Ellie's laughter.

"I'm trying!"

Brick started yelling and running in circles. "AHHHHH!"

Ron, through sniffles and acceptance of his death, let out a sigh. "I at least want to look my best before I die." Although his hands were in cuffs, he could move his legs. He attempted to use his feet to drag the hairdryer over to himself. His foot pulled on the cord, and the hairdryer fell off the bed and into the water.

Ellie was climbing down the hatch, but her hands were still in the puddle. Due to the electric current, Ellie screamed and was electrocuted. Her limp and fried body collapsed in a heap down the hatch.

No one moved for what seemed to be five minutes.

"Did we just...kill her?" Brian hesitantly asked.

"Who cares? Let's get Ron!" Champ genuinely smiled for the first time in a while.

After Ron carefully moved the hairdryer and scrambled down the hatch, there was no sign of Ellie, but the hatch led into a one-way tunnel. Ron followed the tunnel which emptied itself into the room with the monitor. After the crew hugged and laughed and cried, with a few shouts of "I love you, Ron!" and "I'll never let you out of my sight again!" from Champ, they decided it was best to alert the police.

When the police arrived, they searched and searched but still could not find Ellie. In fact, there was no trace of Ellie anywhere except for the ring with the initials K.I. on it.. The Channel 4 News never got to do their interview with Ishirō Honda, but they got a lot of screen time for their report on the mysterious kidnapper and murderer who called herself Ellie Foster.

Who was Ellie Foster? There were a lot of speculations and assumptions. Perhaps she was an escaped convict who got plastic surgery. Maybe she escaped from an insane asylum. Maybe she really just dug Ron's sensuous aura. Either way, the Channel 4 News crew decided it was best not to know. They wanted to leave things how they were and to forget the whole experience. Ron even convinced Veronica he wasn't going to HAVE interracial sex with Ellie, but he was just trying to see if she would OFFER it. It went down in history as one of the Channel 4 News's most ambiguous and interesting stories.

* * *

Did anyone catch my very small Backstreet Boys reference?

P.S. This story is based off of the app Ellie – Help me out…please.


	3. The Final Hurrah

The Channel 4 News Team just got done their last story for the day. The four of them were kicking back and relaxing in Ron's fine establishment. Champ got a six-pack out of the fridge and popped the top to one of the beers.

Brian also grabbed a beer. "Hey, Ron," he asked.

"Yes, my dear colleague?" Ron said as he patted his faithful friend and dog, Baxter.

"How did you come up with the idea of electrocuting Ellie?" Brian took a sip of beer.

Champ finished his first can and crinkled it with his hand. Grabbing another one, he added, "Yeah. I didn't think about it in the heat of the moment, but that was really smart. Not that I'm surprised."

Ron shrugged. "I wanted to make sure my hair was properly styled before I died."

The four of them laughed, and Baxter barked.

"Typical Ron…" Champ smiled.

Brian shook his head then thought for a moment. He turned to Ron with a confused yet skeptical look. "Yeah, but your hands were in handcuffs. How could you have used the hairdryer?"

"I guess I never thought of that!" Ron said as the whole entire crew began to laugh again.

Their laughter lasted long into the night.


End file.
